The Paths We Choose Series

Part V: The Long and Winding Road

Rating: M
Pairing: J/C
Summary: A sudden loss leaves the couple unsure about the future.
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom own the series and the characters that are related to Star Trek: Voyager, but the story is mine.
Length: 727 words
Date: April 1999

Two days after being released from sickbay Kathryn Janeway returned to her captaincy. She resumed all duties and by all outward appearances, everything was fine. She'd had a brush with death but had escaped.

Appearances can be deceiving though and inside she felt like dying.

Chakotay was worried about Kathryn. She insisted that no one knew about the fact that she had been pregnant. It was of course in her permanent record, but only the doctor and Chakotay had access to those files. They both respected her too much to violate her privacy and go against her wishes. Chakotay knew Kathryn had a long road to travel by, to get back to where she had been before the miscarriage. Whatever had happened during her brush with death it had affected Kathryn deeply, even though Captain Janeway seemed to have escaped the ordeal unscathed. He missed Kathryn dearly, but he knew she would return with time. He had not yet known the child, she had, and he knew despite his best efforts he could never know the pain she now lived.

***

One night, about three months after the miscarriage, Kathryn did not return to their quarters after her duty shift. *Where the hell was she?* He was worried. He had given her space, but enough was enough. This was getting ridiculous and it had to stop.

"Computer locate Captain Janeway."

"Captain Janeway is in holodeck two."

Chakotay went to holodeck two. What was she doing, she always told him when she was going to be late. *Kathryn, what has this done to you?* When he arrived at the holodeck the privacy lock was engaged, and she wasn't answering his hails.

"Computer disengage privacy lock, authorization Chakotay beta four nine."

The doors opened and Chakotay stepped into a wonderland, which had eluded him since their time on New Earth. What was she up to?

"Kathryn? Kathryn!"

Still no answer. *I guess I'll have to do this the hard way. It didn't really matter. He remembered New Earth as if it was only yesterday. There were only so many places she could be hiding.

He checked out by the river, in the forest, and then he saw their house. What had been a temporary residence to them had at the time felt like home to him. The accuracy of her program was incredible. Outside their house was a boat, the boat he had never gotten around to constructing for them. Jesus, there was the monkey.

What was so bad in her life that she had to hide out her? Was the past better than the present? Life for her it seemed was cruel and unfair.

Then he saw her. Working away in the garden. She seemed content, almost happy, a sight he missed.

"Kathryn."

She looked up. Why was he here? This was her safe haven, a place where Kathryn could escape the horrors of the present and live in a blissful past.

"Chakotay, why are you here?"

"Because I'm worried about you Kathryn. In the last three months aside from on duty I haven't seen you. In the last month you've scheduled us on different duty shifts, so I don't see you at all. I want to marry you, but I don't know what kind of marriage a relationship like ours will make? I've given you time, I've given you space, but all you do is push me farther and farther away. I have to get on with my life, with or without you."

"Chakotay! I love you with all my heart and soul. But lately it takes all my energy just to function properly while I'm on duty. I'm sorry if I hurt you, I never meant to shut you out."

She slowly walked up to him, and let him touch her for the first time in nearly four months. Everything new felt old again.

"It's nice to have you back Kathryn."

He saw Kathryn peek through for the first time in months. He was glad to have her back, and although they were, in some ways starting over again, he knew now, and had always known that starting down the road again was better than ending the trail and never looking back.

 

 

END PART V

TBC IN PART VI